Jamie Andrews

Hello world!

OK kids this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for. There are children being hushed by their parents, last minute urinations tinkling in the toilet, and minds alert with vivid anticipation… that’s right, I am writing the first post on my new blog.

Basically the deal is this: I like the notion of writing, of getting ideas from head down onto ‘paper’ (or just hurl them into the abyss that is the Internet), but thus far (and I’ve had this itch for a good three or four years now) it has not gone according to plan. I’ve had a fair number of ideas, and during my four months travelling around Eastern Europe in 2006 I did a lot of scribbling in notebooks, but I have failed to realise the ambition of truimphantly pronouncing any of them finished. And to add insult to injury, I tend to have new ideas which I also quite like way before I’ve got even close to finishing the first ones. Combine that with the attention-span of a …

You get the picture. So I have decided. Instead of attempting to sketch out the epic overtones of a tragic play, or weave intricate one-liners into a snappy comedy, I thought that a good place to start – and one recommended to me by various people I respect – would be to splurge out 1000 words a day on whatever came into my head. This post is my first attempt at doing just that. I expect you all to be checking my blog religiously from this day forth, in order to see whether I have an ounce of discipline in my hairy body.

What I will write about I don’t really know. We will see where the wind takes us. So far, these are the ideas that I have noted down to take further:

  • lawyers at festivals
  • ugbuster hipsters
  • a festival where everyone either dresses as a farmer or an animal
  • electronic voice shit
  • the calm serenity of a life of consumption
  • stats and news

Please note that the ideas have just come out of a draft text message that I had stored up for weeks, and I don’t actually have any clue what half of them mean. But I though in the spirit of honesty, and in getting to my first 1000 words more quickly, I would post the subjects as they were written in my phone.

So far we’re on 412 words and I’ve said very little of substance. I’ll get on with writing about something.

The first subject I’m going to tackle is electronic voice shit. Here is a suitably shocking example:

(skip to somewhere in the middle to hear what I’m talking about)

Now if you’re like me, and a relatively sane human being, you’ll understand that this abomination clearly doesn’t deserve the prestigious label of ‘music’. It is more like an audio manifestation of that feeling you get when two pieces of polysterene are being violently rubbed together by Hitler.

At first I had, in my extreme naivety, assumed that Akon’s career was all a horrible mistake by some record producer who for some reason felt it necessary to repeat the technique first pioneered in Cher’s ‘Life after Love’ back when computerised noises still had a tiny amount of novelty value. Now if it was just one artist, we could have got immunised to Akon at special clinics that would no doubt spring up all over the place. But it seems that this cancer has been spreading over the last few years, and now a worryingly high proportion of popular music includes it.

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